Shame is a heavy emotion that buries our hearts and minds in a thick, sludgy quagmire where we can’t see truth or move forward with power. My guess is you’ve experienced it’s tentacles at least once.

Here is one of my battles with shame…

August 13, 2023 was Annesley’s six month anniversary of being in braces. I breathed in that victory all day.

You are probably wondering why it is a victory – that’s a good question. It doesn’t make a lot of sense, but feelings often don’t make a lot of sense.

I never had braces. In fact, I didn’t even see a dentist from age 12-22. I have yellow, crooked teeth and though they don’t stop me from smiling big, I have often felt ashamed of them. Growing up, there wasn’t enough money or even attention able to be given to medical needs and I sometimes felt less than the other kids in my town.

Fast forward three decades and our very conservative, holistic dentist started recommending Annesley get braces two years ago because her jaw needed some help for her teeth to not have a big overbite and be broken down by the bottom teeth hitting the top of her mouth. It brought up ALL sorts of feelings for me.

Fear that I would damage her jaw by putting her in braces since she has loosey-goosey ligaments like me.

Overwhelm at the big learning curve I needed to climb in order to understand how braces work and all the different types of bracing – I needed to learn a lot so I could advocate effectively for her.

Trepidation at committing $4800 and how we afford it.

But mostly shame. Shame debilitated me for about 18 months. I called a friend multiple times and fell apart in sobbing tears because I was ashamed that I never had braces and had the super obvious results of that front and center on my face. Shame because I had done the same thing to one of our older children who also needed braces and had not provided them because there were ZERO pennies for anything extra during those years. Shame because I didn’t want my other children to feel bad that we hadn’t put them in braces. Shame because at every dentist appointment our super-gentle, super-kind dentist would tell me how important it was to get her into braces and I felt completely unable to face the shame and solve the problem.

Somehow my mama bear instincts eventually overcame the shame and I was able to do the research and make the consulting appointments and make informed decisions and get Annesley in braces.

And now it feels easy. I didn’t feel any uncomfortableness at her appointment that morning. I knew the routine and the lingo and knew her ortho and I were working together to make wise decisions for her mouth.

It’s been a journey. I think there are some big life lessons in this journey for me.

• Don’t let shame incapacitate me. Face the shame. Feel it and figure it out and LET IT GO.
• Know that feelings have to be processed. They can’t be ignored.
• Give myself a big hug and remind myself that I did the best I could with my older children and I’m doing the best I can now. And my parents did the best they could. It’s all gonna be okay.
• Laugh.
• Celebrate the wins.

If you are battling shame, here is a tool I love:

1. My thought…

 

2. Is it true?

 

3. What am I making it mean?

 

4. Is that true? Go through the questions over and over until I get to the heart of the matter. Then sit and ponder and breathe and release the shame or other feelings I’m experiencing.

 

5. Finish by telling myself at least one thing I know is 100% true.

What are your tools for dealing with shame?