Years ago I attended a class by Jodie Palmer on creating a family mission statement. She asked the question, “How does it feel?” repeatedly. She kept asking it enough that it finally sunk into my heart and has had me thinking about it deeply ever since. I hope you will think about it also.

• How does it feel in your home?
• How does it feel in your arms?
• How does it feel to talk to you?
• How does it feel to read a book with you?
• How does it feel to eat a meal with you?
• How does it feel to pray with you?
• How does it feel to drive with you?
• How does it feel to work with you?
• How does it feel to wake up with you?
• How does it feel to go to bed with you?

Jodie asked the first question and I have been asking myself all the rest for over a decade. These questions help me realize when I have not been looking in my children’s eyes enough or haven’t been connecting with their spirits in soul-filling ways. Sometimes I realize I become a drill sergeant and a drill sergeant is definitely not the kind of mother I want to be!

Jodie asserted that whatever we are doing with our children, be it reading, mathematics, history, gardening, packing for a trip, doing their hair, sewing, cleaning, art, WHATEVER, the real question we need to ask ourselves is not how well they are learning or doing or accomplishing, but how they feel while they are doing it. How they feel will play a far larger role in them eventually learning the reading, mathematics, history, or new skill than how they are actually learning it right now. When they feel safe, loved, nurtured, excited, understood, invigorated, and competent, they are defining who they are, what family is, how a mother treats her children, and what learning feels like. When they feel scared, overwhelmed, ignored, pushed, bored, misunderstood, or failing, they are learning the exact same lessons, but with very different outcomes. 

Think about this. 

Let it sink in.

Find the truth in it.

I am not saying we try the ridiculous social experiments of the 80’s where unearned praise and “good job!” were lathered on children. I am not saying feelings rule the day and that behavior doesn’t matter. I am saying that as a mother I have a stewardship to create the culture in our home and that culture plays a large part in how my children feel. If children are called to meals and hurriedly told to sit down so we can pray and then have the food devoured they will have a very different feeling than if meal time is treated as a special time of day where we are able to jointly give thanks to God, enjoy our meal one bite at a time, and share stimulating conversation.

If I am not looking at my children while they are talking to me, they will have a different feeling than if I get down on their level and look them in the eye.

If I am too busy to be able to listen with my heart, I am too busy to sufficiently fill their souls with my love for them.

If my voice is taut and strained while I am teaching a math concept or reading or driving or any other thing, my children will not only sense they are not smart enough to get it, they may also come to believe that learning is overwhelming, causes mom to become stressed, and takes way too much work to be worth it.

On the other hand, if I am able to set a tone of calmness, order, stability, connection, patience, forgiveness, and most of all, love, my children will carry that feeling in their souls and it will define for them what a family is, what home means, how a mother treats her children, and they will yearn for that feeling to stay with them. Most likely, they will choose to spend more time in places and with people where that feeling flows and less time in places and with people that feel tight, stressed, or heavy.

I’m convinced that learning to recognize the difference between those feelings is a life skill with far-reaching benefits for both ourselves and our children. I invite you to start asking yourself the questions and then do the emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical work to create an environment which feels safe and growing and wonderful. It’s worth it!